The Enemy

One of my basketball coaches used to gather us in a circle on a time-out, and he would tell us to look up at the clock on the scoreboard that would be frozen with our remaining time in red. He would say to us, every game, in the last few minutes, "It's not these kids that are your enemy, the clock is your enemy." I realize now (I can't remember if I got it then) what he was trying to get across. In those last minutes and seconds of the game, we had to put in all we had to do what needed to be done. Whatever we wanted to accomplish in the game, now was the time, because that was our time remaining. Whatever it takes, as long as it happens before the buzzer.



Time is the enemy; Our underlying theme, guideline, and constraint in life. All dreams, and hopes of what to accomplish are due "before I'm married," "before I have a kid," "before I'm 40," "before I die". That's our game buzzer. It's depressing, but how impossible it really is not to think about it.

Every time another Monday comes around, I get so depressed because all I can think is, "wow, another week and I still have yet to accomplish any life goals, another week, gone forever."

Because "time flies" so quickly, I'm the one that becomes discouraged, and eventually, I become an enemy myself. Death is inevitable, but only we apply the brakes or acceleration through our lives. Well, us and money.

I just wish...time would slow the hell down.

“Time is free, but it's priceless. You can't
own it, but you can use it. You can't keep
it, but you can spend it. Once you've lost it
you can never get it back.”

The List

Ah, the sound of motivation gears in my head, inspiring my progression in adulthood.

Goals can be very positive things in life, but sometimes their failure to produce desired outcomes create a negative connotation. I want goals to work for me, not against me.

While taking a stroll around the block with my mom the other day, she inspired me with this idea, done before, but something I have not yet attempted. A list, "to do list" if you will.

The List
My Guidelines: To avoid discouragement and feeling of impossibility, this list isn't going to be extremely specific, because truthfully, deadlines can be very nerve racking. But if they are phrased correctly, and given with the best intentions, they can act as the best kind of incentive.

I hope, in the future, I'll have many different lists, whether they are just in my head, written on paper, for the future or for the day. But as for now, I'm starting on a larger scale. This list will be referred to as:


"In the Next 5 Years: 21yrs-26.5yrs"

Ideas:

(1) A different job
-This is important to me, because hopefully I will have earned my bachelors degree (my next goal) and will have moved on to a more serious (and higher paid) job.

(2) Bachelors Degree

-Ah, my current life's Everest! Yes I can do it, and more recently realized, I want it. This will open doors (or windows) to more opportunities for me.

(3) Move out on my own

- Ah yes, young adulthood's epitome of freedom. The essence of independence and the added pressure of making sure you make that dollar, and consistently (while also being able to eat.)

(4) Travel (at least) twice a year

-I don't care if it's to Santa Barbara, San Francisco, New York, or China. Any scale will do. But, I do hope I can get farther than Santa Barbara! But hey, I've never been there, so it counts.

(5) All the sentimental things

- Like, smiling more, attempting to be more care free, taking more pictures, TRYING to slow things down between each Monday (I swear, they come too fast), and most importantly, avoiding the urge to limit myself.


So, this is all for now, because its 4am, BUT every other blog or so I'm sure I'll come up with more little things, and hopefully big things. Because that's what I want, I want BIG things, don't you?



“It must be borne in mind that the tragedy of life does not lie in not reaching your goal. The tragedy of life lies in having no goal to reach.”

Benjamin E. Mays

Uninsured

Figures

Slowly, but surely, I'm realizing I'm a real adult. Due to the unneeded expense, I was dropped from my parent's health insurance policy in January. Hadn't been to the doctor or had serious problems for a while before that.


February

6 hours of vomiting occurs, panic attack and spiked a fever = Emergency room.
$2400



March

(Warning Too Much Information) Urinary tract infection. Great.
Doctors visit today: Including a bill for previous treatments, the visit came out to $200


3 Months into 2011, medical bills adding up to $2600, money I don't have. Not to mention, I have two prescriptions I take monthly: anti depressants etc.

What's Next!?
End of this month I will qualify for health insurance with my job. Unfortunately there's a possibility it will take me 3 more months to enroll. Not to conform to the recent cliche, but "FML"


"Money is power, freedom, a cushion, the root of all evil, the sum of blessings." ~Carl Sandburg

Optimism

There's too much back story to explain.(*Reminder: revert later?)


I'm focusing on the "now", and of course, inevitably, the future. But now is really important because I constantly need to remind myself to slow down and breathe, not to mention the most fleeting part of our lives is "now."In the blink of an eye, how fast it becomes our past.

I know that's not optimistic but constant optimism isn't realistic, but actively trying to think positively seems more doable, and less annoying.


What To Do?

(1) Getting my anxiety under control

I can't move forward until I take care of this. Although it costs $300 to say "Hello" to my psychiatrist, this needs to happen. No one understands how crippling anxiety is until they've had a panic attack because they can't find a parking spot.

Sometimes medication is necessary, and I have to be OK with that.


(2)Educational Goals

Due to a recent epiphany, this part of my life is somewhat looking up. Not knowing what I want to do, and feeling like there's nothing I CAN do is so detrimental to any chance of self motivation. I'm seeing a counselor before the end of March. A business major is a possibility in the near future. (Minor is psych of course) Can't let that go to waste.

(3) Work/Money

Starbucks is flexible with hours and since I've been there 3 years its definitely reliable. I have to be OK with working there for now because it will allow me to be active in my life progress while still working and making money. But I don't want to get too comfortable, I think brainstorming where my next job experience will be is a healthy step. I need more money, I want to make more and save more. Saving is all I can do now, but in small amounts. Ah yes, and no debt please.

(4) Relationship

I can't complain, I know I'm blessed with an uncomplicated, rewarding and healthy relationship. All I can think of for improvement is managing my time and my patience. I need to remember that I need "me" time, and I need to be more patient with him. Although I know he loves me and no matter how I talk to him he always will, but it doesn't mean its right. But that goes back to the underlying problem: anxiety. So, it's in the works.

(5) Friends and F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

The older I get, the more important I realize good, quality friends are. And the best part is, I have them. I also have friends who are just great to be around sometimes, but I know I can't fall back on, which is OK too. I have to remember that I can go to them, I'm utilizing it more often more recently. I have the best friend in the world, and she knows it. But if I tell her that too often, she might get too big headed ;p. I want to be that friend too, the one people want to talk to.

Speaking of "always being there" F.R.I.E.N.D.S.: my crutch when no other is needed or available. Laughing is the best medicine, and this prescription is free. (After the 400$ i spent over the years for all 10 seasons on DVD in it's own collectors box.) Totally worth it.


My Aspiration: to overcome my anxiety, the weight that holds me back from attempting to set and achieve goals and live life to the fullest.






"It's not how hard you hit, It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward."